How much of my mother has my mother left in me? How much of my love will be insane to some degree? And what about this feeling that I’m never good enough? Will it wash out in the water or is it always in the blood? – John Mayer
I once tried to woo an ex boyfriend back by delivering him a pound of deliciously fresh steamed shrimp. Shoved into his mailbox. Still hot. Because that’s normal. (?) And as much as I’d like to say I was young, truth is, I wasn’t THAT young. You can’t make people love you. Want you. Need you. Fix you. Truth is, if they’re ok with you shoving hot steamed shrimp into their mailbox they no doubt need fixing themselves, and you can’t do that for them either.
Having ADHD, or any kind of developmental disorder, it has seemed through years of observation to me at least, that we tend to run a higher risk of attracting not so healthy co-dependent relationships. I believe it stems from a broken sense of self. I’ll make this as short and sweet as possible from my personal point of view, even though the topic spans and entire section in Barnes & Nobles and multiple sub sections. It may come off a little preachy, and yes, as a matter of fact it WILL sound like a chapter straight from a Deepak Chopra book, but, when it comes to “love”, you need to get it right with yourself first. Get that shit together. I don’t care how you get to it as long as it’s legit and you get there. Medicate, meditate, therapy, .. drumming circles if so inclined, but do something pro-active and positive because we all emit an energy around us, and we are each simultaneously the moth and the flame. Everything starts from the inside out. Know that like attracts like even if you’re terribly un-alike. And just like every fucking thing else, it gets complicated. People don’t complete people, there is no “better half” to you. It’s a sweet sentiment sure, but also a load of crap. YOU are a complete and whole person in and of yourself. Know that first. Like you first, freakin fall in love with YOU FIRST regardless of how flawed or mucked up you feel or think you are. Enjoy your own company, respect yourself, love yourself because what’s been said a million times before is all true, you can’t give someone else something you don’t already have to give. Period. Dot. The End.
Getting a rein on feelings is not an easy task for anyone because feelings are so intense. Having ADHD I already have a hyper sense of everything and this I know. Feelings, if you let them, will trick you and find ways to wreak havoc on your life. ADHDer’s are prone to impulsiveness so this make working with feelings doubly hard. I’m no expert on anyone elses ADHD let only their personal feelings but I know from my own experience, when it comes to feelings, that’s yet another rabbit hole I try to tread carefully around, lest I slip, fall in and bump my head. I have this ability to feel everything so deeply both good and bad, it’s kind of pain in the ass really. Even things that are completely detached from myself, my life, my world. This is why I opt not to watch the news. I can be sitting at a red light, hear a song on the radio completely unrelated to anything in my life, ever, and have tears and snot streaming down my face, by the time the light turns green, I’m seriously questioning stuff like past life regression, because I mean WTH. It can get all blood and guts down in there too, a virtual war zone. You can get lost down there also if you’re not careful, and it’s ugly when you crawl back out of that well of emotions. I’m not saying anyone should cut themselves off from their feelings in any way, feelings are a blessing, we need them, they make life worth living, we need them for joy, and for love. We need them for compassion and to empathize and to be human, we just also need to know how to establish healthy boundaries with them and not just act on them impulsively. Feelings without any temperament of logic and reason make a recipe for disaster especially when it comes to relationships.
*Literal footage of me crawling out of my emotions.
Many years ago I was in a relationship with a man and while one evening on the phone with his mom chit chatting away all casual, I was saying how even though her son I was living with was pretty negligent, a bit verbally abusive, drank far too much, too often, and how embarrassing it was hauling out hefty lawn bags full of clanking beer bottles to the curb on trash night, I was really ok with it because most of the time he was too drunk to make it home anyway opting to stay at the womans house he was cheating on me with, so the way I seen it, this is pretty much my house now. I told her it seemed perfectly normal to me anymore. I’ll never forget the words she said, short and to the point, “sweetheart, if you think that’s normal, you need to leave right now.” We trick ourselves with these false feelings trying to mend these broken places. Somewhere deep inside I knew this was true. I hung up the phone, packed up everything I owned that night and never looked back again. As much as I’d like to say lesson learned, it was merely a chapter I had finished, and not the book. I still had decade worth of other adventures awaiting me in “feelings” realm.
Feelings, don’t let them trick you. The Devil often appears as an angel of light. Corinthians 2 11:14
Co-dependency: anytime you’re fully willing to put with and make excuses for someones elses shit for fear of being alone. Once we snag our target it tends to be a game. A challenge. ADHDer’s generally like a challenge, because it holds interest, but so do lots of other kinds of people.
Chaos: a complete state of confusion and disorganization. Ain’t it fun to try to solve puzzles! It keeps our minds challenged, engaged, and best of all off ourselves and our own shit. Yay! This kind of game however becomes addictive and that’s where it gets dangerous. Co-dependency and chaos make a very powerful drug and if you allow yourself to get used to that life, just like any addict, once that drug is taken away the withdraw begins. Normalcy doesn’t seem normal, it just seems boring. What’s the fun in that? Where’s the challenge there eh, so we (or they) will finds ways to mess it all up again in an effort to get high.
Crap: it has come to my mind throughout far too many years of observation that broken people like to try to fix other broken people in a doctor heal thyself sort of way. It doesn’t work. Co-dependency isn’t between just signficant others either, it can be between family members, friends, anytime you’re willing to put up, shut up and ultimately BE, anyone else’s personal toilet, it’s there you’re likely to find a co-dependency issue.
It’s all fun and games until the bail money runs out.
I can feel the love I want, I can feel the love I need, but it’s never gonna come the way I am. – John Mayer
We are all just little magnets, we pull into our lives the energy that we put out, and if we put out an energy of brokeness that’s what we get in return, broken things, and we won’t even see it coming. Get that shit right with yourself. I won’t pretend it’s easy because it’s not. It’s hard and it’s ugly and it’s messy and you may end up on a therapist’s couch with a bottle of cheap bourbon and pack of unfiltered Winstons, and I don’t care if you don’t smoke, because you will now. This sense of brokeness comes from deep dark places.
I lived my whole adolescence and young adult life feeling and believing my mother didn’t love me, and as her only daughter I couldn’t understand why. My mother was broken, she had her own mental health issues she never accepted and dealt very poorly with. Raised in an environment of poverty as the only daughter of an alcoholic mother who collected lovers and husbands like some people collect keychains and postcards. Broken begets broken if you’re not careful and wise. So again I repeat, you cannot give someone else something you don’t already have to give. My mother couldn’t give me anymore than her mother had given her. Between the ADHD, the lack of any loving or supportive relationship with my mother and zero self esteem, I was a virtual freak magnet, and this why I know all this shit.
ADHD can trick you into feeling that you’re broken and slightly out of step, that you don’t deserve anyone wonderful because no one really ‘gets’ you anyway, and THAT’S A LOAD OF CRAP.
I end with this: One of the most important lessons I’ve learned in my journey is you cannot fix yourself by fixing other people. Broken people are broken, and you can’t glue your own feelings of brokeness back together through them, don’t even try, you’ll wake up one day and realize you’ve given away all your energy and half of your life.